If You Love Me, Let Me Go
by OnixD
Summary: Destiel. Dean wants to leave, but Cas doesn't want to let go. Inspired by Slipknot's song Snuff, and some of the sentences just were too perfect to leave out.


Dean couldn't explain it. He didn't know why, he could tell what was the reason. Every time he cared about someone, they got hurt or died. Dean just couldn't explain it and he didn't want it to continue. He didn't want to hurt anyone. So he figured, if he stayed away from everyone, maybe they'd be okay. He had told Sam, who had of course resisted, but Dean hadn't listened. He just made sure Sam had all protection in this world that person possibly could and then he left to a hotel. He had called Cas to come there, and when he opened the door, the angel was sitting on his bed. He smiled.

Dean felt like he couldn't breathe. The air around him felt like a cage.

"Cas, you have to leave me."

Cas frowned. "But... you asked me to come here?"

"Yeah, but... Cas, if you love me you have to let me go. Run away before I can stop you. It's... my heart is too dark to care", Dean said quietly. He was standing by the door, back not straight up like usual, but shoulders slumped forward. He had given up already.

"Dean?" Cas mumbled.

"It's my fate, Cas. Look at me. I just bring hate everywhere I go, I kill people and, well, not-people... The point is that if I'm alone, I can't do that. People can't die because of me if I'm not there", Dean sighed and dropped his bag on the floor. He walked to the bed and sat down next to Cas. They had become even closer lately and this hurt, but he had to do it. For Cas' own good. He didn't think about himself when he did this, he thought about everyone else.

"I read that if you smile, it makes you want to smile", Cas said after a long while. Dean couldn't help but let the corners of his mouth turn up, but not in a happy smile.

"My smile was taken long ago. Every time I smile, someone ends up getting hurt", Dean said blankly. "Every time I even look at someone, they get hurt. I just wish I could change this."

"Change what?"

"Us. You've been hurt already, they'll hurt you even more if I stay. If I had the power... I would change it. So that we wouldn't know each other. You'd be happy."

"Dean... do you know what I do when we don't see each other? I listen to the voicemails you have left to my phone. I listen to them and I think of every time you have kissed me. My thoughts go around the thought that this human is the one I'm going to protect, this one I don't want to live without. I always think that I couldn't face this life without the light you brought me... and now you tell me to leave you alone."

Dean sighed and turned to look at Cas. He expected to see Cas looking down, maybe shy, but that wasn't what he saw. Cas looked - he looked angry. Dean actually pulled back a bit. And it wasn't just anger, it was so much more. Dean could find betrayal, disappointment and disagreeing from his eyes, and he had to look down. Even when he tried to do the right thing, he messed it up.

"Cas, I just have to do this -"

"No! No, you don't! This is the same as it was when I threw you against that wall, remember? This is you giving up. No, save your breath, I don't care! Isn't this clear to you? You - are giving up again."

"I wish I didn't love you. I - I wish I could _hurt_ you, Cas! It's bad, it's really bad. I never said I'm a saint, Castiel, the opposite! I knew I would end up hurting you, everything in me is bad, everything good was banished long ago. And then I knew, it killed the hope of me ever letting you go", Dean said and stood up from the bed. He was going to walk out of the room like he was walking out of his life, but Cas grabbed his arm.

"Break out of it! I don't want you to let go of me, Dean, as I am not letting go of you! You've never asked for help, I thought you didn't need it, but do you know what you are doing now? You're leaving because it's easier for you! You're selling my happiness to save yourself", Cas hissed.

"You left me! Everyone leaves me! I won't listen to your shame, you run away like everyone else, you're all the same!" Dean shouted, everything finally breaking free, every emotion held back. "Angels lie! They just want to keep control, over tiny, little, puny humans!"

"My love for humans - I was punished for it. And now you're punishing me for loving you", Cas growled.

"Cas, if you care about me, just don't let me know."

Dean tried to leave again. Cas yanked him back, and next Dean knew he was against the door. Cas was holding him up with ease, their faces just inches away.

"I love you. And I'm not letting go of you."


End file.
